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by goodgirldown, on August 20th, 2008 under Status Quo with No Comments
I wake up, sober, which happens now with alarming frequency, and find my way to the bathroom with much effort and more expletives. I have no mind to brush my hair and to be brutally honest, I only bother with the teeth to avoid another harrowing visit to the dentist. There are only so many ways a girl wants to be drilled and that, surely, is not one of them. Makeup; most likely not. I pop some plastic on my fingers and saturate my sweater with my signature scent. It’s a two minute process from dream to door though lately I linger, for no reason in particular, more an effort to enjoy the morning. Wasted energy; there are some things you cannot train yourself to like. Smoke in hand, after a heavy dose of albuterol, I log into MySpace which is always an exercise in futility, as if one day, much unlike the 798 previous, there will be something there of consequence, of substance, of anything other than one night stands and far away friends and people whose names I probably never knew. Today is no different; sign off, stand up, say farewell to the cats who never even know I’m gone, save for an empty water bowl from time to neglectful time. And so begins another day…
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by goodgirldown, on August 20th, 2008 under Status Quo with No Comments
At some point, my job became my career.
At some point, I started needing two full days to recover from one night of drinking.
At some point, the thought of a weekend with nothing planned started sounding really good.
At some point, it became quite okay to spend 4 out of 5 nights alone, in my pajamas, watching movies, smoking, knitting.
Each year has given me, along with a rash of shit, trauma, and tragedy, a growing appreciation for the knowledge and grace acquired simply by being alive. I maneuver most situations with relative ease, stepping over my own tongue less and less, though I don’t have nearly the same luck with inanimate objects. I find it easier to give without exhausting myself, and easier to take, finally gracious for the things I know I deserve, often able to completely leave behind the plaguing doubt of self worth. I am starting to understand that sometimes, bridges do need to be burned. Sometimes, there is no looking back. There is very little in this world that is irreplaceable. And while I will never tolerate cruelty, towards me or in me, I am learning, without any doubt at all, that sometimes, sometimes, you just need to be a bitch to survive. It’s been an interesting journey to say the least. I’ve come full circle many times over and I know by now that this period of quiet will not last. It’s just another valley; the hill will surely come.
