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by goodgirldown, on August 21st, 2007 under Status Quo with No Comments
“I had a dream, and now that dream is gone from me.”
I truly believed that I would save the world. I would win the gold. I would write a novel. I would star in a movie. I would lead a band. I would find the cure. I would be beautiful and loved; rich and famous and I would want for nothing. This is the American dream. Even if you never wanted it, you’re told you should. Over. Over. It’s the underlying current of all media. Absorb it. You are not good enough until. Until. You are not whole until. Until. You could be better. Faster. Stronger. Increase the size of your penis. Your wallet. Your friend count. Bigger houses and bigger boobs. You are not skinny enough. You’re not popular enough. You aren’t doing enough. Time is running out. You’re getting old. Buy in now.
The franchise of the world is disempowerment.
I bought in, too. For some time. How can you not? Children know no better. And then you learn. And you have to un-do all that you soaked in. Those formative years can be a bitch. You manage, though. You opt out. What now? The movie in my head has stopped running. I am no longer writing my autobiography. No one is watching. I am left with just me. And it feels like a long relationship gone bad. The kind of relationship where everyone only knows you as “X’s” girlfriend. “Oh, you know, I was over at X and Y’s place” as if the fact that you’re a couple supersedes the fact that it’s your place. Anyway, it feels like that kind of break-up. Where you realize that you’ve been living with, or living for, someone else for so long, you don’t even recognize yourself. Soy milk? When did I start drinking soy milk? And I hate U2 – shut that shit up already! So what do I like…what do I want to do…where do I want to go…how do I feel about this, about life, about me? Fuck if I know anymore. Everything was always about something else for so long. Nothing was ever about me. Until now.
And now there is just me. One day that will be enough. I hope one day that will be enough.
